The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
You Might Also Like
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
It’s an epidemic…
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.