If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Terribly Tuesday.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.