Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Brilliant!
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*