When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
You Might Also Like
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’