[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
buying dead houseplants to save time
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
i was baptized in a car wash
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*