professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
i prefer mine room temperature.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.