Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
584.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”