Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
let’s discuss
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.