My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience