“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks