Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Terribly Tuesday.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles