If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Get in loser we’re going crying
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
This classic never gets old . . .
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!