Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !