A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!