Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Just me?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something