IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle