Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
584.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.