With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me when my alarm goes off
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
i did the math
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.