My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Cause of death: Zumba
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I love it all
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
pelicons
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.