I was bored.
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Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.