If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
SCARY COSTUME
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Finally
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.