Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
The news in a nutshell.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Dietest Coke
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”