It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”