School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.