The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
God has abandoned us.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 馃檨
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he鈥檚 the only one that ever does anything around the house.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Check your privilege
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics