GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’m not stressed
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
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I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”