National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
That’s enough internet for the day