I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
🙂🐾
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over