Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?