If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏