As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Please do it!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?