Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.