Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!