I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’