(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
You Might Also Like
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”