If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”