I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
this isn’t threatening at all
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here