“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!