You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.