Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
A ghost story
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.