My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
the last thing a carrot sees
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them