There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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beware of dog
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
So glad we cleared that up
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine