If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
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I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.