Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.