Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You Might Also Like
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.