*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Meow?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Midwest trash talk
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it