Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*