[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.