I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
But that’s none of my business
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.