Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.